Sunday, May 28, 2006
A Million Little Pieces reviewed by an Alcoholic - Truth or Lies?
I finished reading the aforementioned book by James Frey. I found some of the descriptions of the disease of addiction, withdrawal and recovery to be true. User dreams where the recovering addict vividly imagines “using” his/ her drug of choice are a reality. I had them for years. I would imagine being on the verge of taking a drink and awake in a cold sweat. Later, I progressed to the point of imaging taking that drink and losing my sobriety though I haven't had a drink for 26 years, 3 months and 28 days. Frey talked about blackouts where he would have no memory of activities taking place while drinking. These are very real and scary when you wonder what you may have done the night before. These were an all too familiar experience during my drinking years. Frey talks of the physical reactions the body goes through when deprived of alcohol and some of the damage resulting from abuse of drugs and alcohol. These are all realities.
He also mentions that he wanted to write a realistic book about addiction, not a romanticized version like he has seen in the popular press and glamorized by rock stars and Hollywood. This statement seems to be contradicted by many things James Frey goes on to say in A Million Little Pieces. He seems to have embellished some of his escapades prior to his entrance into the Hazelden treatment center. Smoking Gun.com could find no evidence of his version of his arrests as well as his supposed involvement in a train wreck that killed a friend of his. His statement of oral surgery without any pain medication seems incredulous as well as the cast of characters he meets in treatment including an underworld gangster, a federal judge and a washed up boxer. Such exaggerations seem to be an attempt to portray himself as the baddest of the bad, kind of a negative glamorization of the addict's life. I'm badder than you, so I must be a bigger addict, alcoholic, criminal, etc. This seems to be a form of the very glamorization of addiction that he speaks against. In my estimation, he appears to be a college kid from a farely well off family who had gotten too deep into his addiction and sought treatment. Not too bad an actor, but somebody not that different from you or I.
His other strong statement is his opposition to the 12 step method of recovery, but yet we find him completing many of the steps though he doesn't portray them as such. He acknowledges his addiction, step one. He doesn't acknowledge a traditional higher power, yet derives a certain strength from teachings of Tao, certainly a form of spirituality outside oneself and then turns control of his life to those teachings, step 3. He completes a confession and shares it with a priest, steps 4 and 5. He admits his past mistakes and seeks forgiveness from his parents, steps 8 and 9. He accepts responsibility for his actions, continues to read the Tao and leaves the facility to find his friend Lilly and bring her back to treatment, portions of steps 11 and 12. He is released and lives his life one day at a time. I would say he is pretty committed to the 12 steps even though he works very hard at professing not to believe in them. I didn't think much of the steps and slogans when I was first introduced to AA. I have grown to the point where they provide me direction on a day to day basis.
My take on A Million Little Pieces. Frey is still stuck on an ego trip of having to be the baddest of all and still surviving without giving credit to a source outside of self. This very refusal to humble oneself is a sure step towards a slip down the line. The old saying of Pride goeth before the Fall has a great deal of meaning. Addiction and alcoholism are nothing to be glorified. They cause pain to all around including the addict. Recovery is a long and hard road. A journey we must walk all our lives.
I finished reading the aforementioned book by James Frey. I found some of the descriptions of the disease of addiction, withdrawal and recovery to be true. User dreams where the recovering addict vividly imagines “using” his/ her drug of choice are a reality. I had them for years. I would imagine being on the verge of taking a drink and awake in a cold sweat. Later, I progressed to the point of imaging taking that drink and losing my sobriety though I haven't had a drink for 26 years, 3 months and 28 days. Frey talked about blackouts where he would have no memory of activities taking place while drinking. These are very real and scary when you wonder what you may have done the night before. These were an all too familiar experience during my drinking years. Frey talks of the physical reactions the body goes through when deprived of alcohol and some of the damage resulting from abuse of drugs and alcohol. These are all realities.
He also mentions that he wanted to write a realistic book about addiction, not a romanticized version like he has seen in the popular press and glamorized by rock stars and Hollywood. This statement seems to be contradicted by many things James Frey goes on to say in A Million Little Pieces. He seems to have embellished some of his escapades prior to his entrance into the Hazelden treatment center. Smoking Gun.com could find no evidence of his version of his arrests as well as his supposed involvement in a train wreck that killed a friend of his. His statement of oral surgery without any pain medication seems incredulous as well as the cast of characters he meets in treatment including an underworld gangster, a federal judge and a washed up boxer. Such exaggerations seem to be an attempt to portray himself as the baddest of the bad, kind of a negative glamorization of the addict's life. I'm badder than you, so I must be a bigger addict, alcoholic, criminal, etc. This seems to be a form of the very glamorization of addiction that he speaks against. In my estimation, he appears to be a college kid from a farely well off family who had gotten too deep into his addiction and sought treatment. Not too bad an actor, but somebody not that different from you or I.
His other strong statement is his opposition to the 12 step method of recovery, but yet we find him completing many of the steps though he doesn't portray them as such. He acknowledges his addiction, step one. He doesn't acknowledge a traditional higher power, yet derives a certain strength from teachings of Tao, certainly a form of spirituality outside oneself and then turns control of his life to those teachings, step 3. He completes a confession and shares it with a priest, steps 4 and 5. He admits his past mistakes and seeks forgiveness from his parents, steps 8 and 9. He accepts responsibility for his actions, continues to read the Tao and leaves the facility to find his friend Lilly and bring her back to treatment, portions of steps 11 and 12. He is released and lives his life one day at a time. I would say he is pretty committed to the 12 steps even though he works very hard at professing not to believe in them. I didn't think much of the steps and slogans when I was first introduced to AA. I have grown to the point where they provide me direction on a day to day basis.
My take on A Million Little Pieces. Frey is still stuck on an ego trip of having to be the baddest of all and still surviving without giving credit to a source outside of self. This very refusal to humble oneself is a sure step towards a slip down the line. The old saying of Pride goeth before the Fall has a great deal of meaning. Addiction and alcoholism are nothing to be glorified. They cause pain to all around including the addict. Recovery is a long and hard road. A journey we must walk all our lives.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Mental and Physical Ramblings
I walked today at lunch. I went somewhere I haven't been before. It struck me that this is the 5th time in working for our agency I have been stationed in Anaconda. I have been on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th floor of our office building. That's 8 jobs in Anaconda from 1972 to 2006 (Social Worker I and III, Elig Sup, Acting County Director, County Director and now Field Manager plus Juvenile Probation in 73-74 and Warm Springs State Hospital in 72)
Anyway, I walked up Birch St. to the top. This is the steepest street in Anaconda. I have been up the street numerous times, but never walked past the last house and up into the gulch. There is a trail that follows the flume that runs from Storm Lake to the Smelter and on to Butte. I had driven the trail years ago, but never climbed the hill on foot. The street is steep, and then the trail becomes even steeper. I believe the south hill at that point is steeper than the north hills above the golf course where there are real walking trails. I have been told the kids used to have keg parties up there as you can see all directions and escape before the police arrive. An associate tells me he missed one party in high school when the police sealed off all the avenues of escape and were able to make numerous arrests. Also in days past kids would ride their sleds and toboggans down the Birch Hill and all the way across Commercial and the BAP tracks. Several years ago a couple of kids floor boarded their car coming down this hill and T’boned a police car on Commercial Ave.
I followed the trail across the “C” hill to Sheep Gulch behind the courthouse. From there the descent becomes gentler. Across the Sheep Gulch road I followed a trail that winds up the hill and parallels road. It is nice being in Anaconda. I am able to walk most days I am here. I also am finding a lot of memories over the last 34 years. I remember working at WSSH and missing our AFSC work party near the end of the summer. I had gone into Anaconda with Johnny Cheek and drove around all afternoon. He was director of the recreation department at Warm Springs. I got back and one of the girls I worked with felt sorry I missed the party. She took me back to Anaconda to have a pizza at the Hofbrau. After a few beers we decided to drive up to the smelter. We went right through the guard station! Security soon caught up to us and turned us around. No other consequences!
I walked today at lunch. I went somewhere I haven't been before. It struck me that this is the 5th time in working for our agency I have been stationed in Anaconda. I have been on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th floor of our office building. That's 8 jobs in Anaconda from 1972 to 2006 (Social Worker I and III, Elig Sup, Acting County Director, County Director and now Field Manager plus Juvenile Probation in 73-74 and Warm Springs State Hospital in 72)
Anyway, I walked up Birch St. to the top. This is the steepest street in Anaconda. I have been up the street numerous times, but never walked past the last house and up into the gulch. There is a trail that follows the flume that runs from Storm Lake to the Smelter and on to Butte. I had driven the trail years ago, but never climbed the hill on foot. The street is steep, and then the trail becomes even steeper. I believe the south hill at that point is steeper than the north hills above the golf course where there are real walking trails. I have been told the kids used to have keg parties up there as you can see all directions and escape before the police arrive. An associate tells me he missed one party in high school when the police sealed off all the avenues of escape and were able to make numerous arrests. Also in days past kids would ride their sleds and toboggans down the Birch Hill and all the way across Commercial and the BAP tracks. Several years ago a couple of kids floor boarded their car coming down this hill and T’boned a police car on Commercial Ave.
I followed the trail across the “C” hill to Sheep Gulch behind the courthouse. From there the descent becomes gentler. Across the Sheep Gulch road I followed a trail that winds up the hill and parallels road. It is nice being in Anaconda. I am able to walk most days I am here. I also am finding a lot of memories over the last 34 years. I remember working at WSSH and missing our AFSC work party near the end of the summer. I had gone into Anaconda with Johnny Cheek and drove around all afternoon. He was director of the recreation department at Warm Springs. I got back and one of the girls I worked with felt sorry I missed the party. She took me back to Anaconda to have a pizza at the Hofbrau. After a few beers we decided to drive up to the smelter. We went right through the guard station! Security soon caught up to us and turned us around. No other consequences!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
My Top Ten Hitch – Hiking Songs and Favorite Lines
- Take it Easy/ Eagles
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy,
Lighten up while you still can, don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.
Well, I’m standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see. It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me.
Double-Click for a larger view of Standin' on the Corner Park
- Take it Easy/ Eagles
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy,
Lighten up while you still can, don’t even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy.
Well, I’m standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona and such a fine sight to see. It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me.
Double-Click for a larger view of Standin' on the Corner Park
Sometimes you just have to find a place to stand and lean up against a wall or lamppost. Seems there is always somebody checking you out whether it is a cop, a girl or some redneck that might want to do in a longhair. At least it was nice to think some girl might be checking me out.
- Lodi/ Credence Clearwater Revival
Just about a year ago, I set out on the road,
Seekin’ my fame and fortune, lookin’ for a pot of gold.
Things got bad, and things got worse, I guess you will know the tune.
Oh, Lord, stuck in Lodi again.
Rode in on the Greyhound, I’ll be walkin’ out if I go.
I was just passin’ through, must be seven months or more.
Ran out of time and money, looks like they took my friends.
Oh, Lord, I’m stuck in Lodi again.
I traveled through Lodi on California Highway 99 quite a few times. Lodi is near Elk Grove which is home to the Gibson Winery (pheasant brand muscatel) and bottling factory (the favorite wino choice). I always took comfort in the memory of this song when I was stranded in some Podunk town.
- Truckin’/ Grateful Dead
Truckin’, like the do-dah man once told me,”You’ve got to play your hand”
Sometimes your cards ain’t worth a dime, if you don’t lay’em down.
Sometimes the light’s all shinin’ on me; Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip its’ been.
The line “What a long, strange trip its’ been.” says it all.
-Ride Me Down Easy/ Waylon Jennings
This highway she’s hotter than nine kinds of hell
The rides are as scarce as the rain
When you’re down to your last shuck with nothing to sell
And too far away from the train.
Nevada Desert Summer heat, No Rides and thoughts of catching a train!
-I’ve Been Everywhere/ Johnny Cash
I was totin’ my pack along the long dusty Winnemucca road
When along came a semi with a high canvas covered load
If your goin' to Winnemucca, Mack with me you can ride
And so I climbed into the cab and then I settled down inside
He asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand
And I said, "Listen! I've traveled every road in this here land!"
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere
Feelings of having been everywhere and memories of Winnemucca!
-He’s Gone/ Grateful Dead
Now he's gone, now he's gone Lord he's gone, he's gone.
Like a steam locomotive, rollin' down the track
He's gone, gone, nothin's gonna bring him back...He's gone.
There usually isn’t any going back once you’re gone.
-Detroit City/ Bobby Bare
I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home,
Home folks think I'm big in Detroit city,
From the letters that I write they think I'm fine,
But by day I make the cars,
by night I make the bars,
If only they could read between the lines,
Longing to be home and questioning one’s lifestyle.
-Me and Bobbie McGee/ Janis Joplin
Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train
and I'm feeling nearly as faded as my jeans.
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained;
it rode us all the way to New Orleans.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now.
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
you know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.
What’s Freedom if you don’t have anything?
Feeling good is a transient feeling, (no pun intended.)
-500 Miles Away from Home/ Bobby Bare - 1st and 2nd stanzas
-500 Miles/ Peter Paul and Mary – Chorus and last stanza
I'm five hundred miles away from home
Teardrops fell on mama's note when I read the things she wrote
She said we miss you son we love you come on home
Well I didn't have to pack I had it all right on my back
Now I'm five hundred miles away from home
Away from home away from home cold and tired and all alone
Yes I'm five hundred miles away from home
I know this is the same road I took the day I left home
But it sure looks different now
Well I guess I look different too cause time changes everything
I wonder what they'll say when they see their boy looking this way
Oh I wonder what they'll say when I get home
Can't remember when I ate it's just thumb and walk and wait
And I'm still five hundred miles away from home
Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name
Lord I can’t go a-home this a-way
This a-away, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way,
Lord I can’t go a-home this a-way.
If you miss the train I’m on you will know that I am gone
you can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.
Similar sentiments to Detroit City and Bobby McGee, life seems can be an eternity when you are a long way from nowhere’sville.
Is Anybody Going to San Antone/ Charley Pride
Rain dripping off the brim of my hat
it sure is cold today and here I am 'a walking down sixty-six
Wish she hadn't done me that way
Sleeping under a table at a road side park
A man could wake up dead
Is anybody goin’ to San Antone
Or Phoenix Arizona
Anyplace is alright as long as I
Can forget I've ever known her.
Kind of like, “I’ve Been Everywhere”, except I’ve slept everywhere, under bridges, city parks, hostels, stranger’s houses, in culverts and by the side of the road, in old cars, under road signs and in haystacks. “Anyplace is alright…”
Then there are the offers that one turns down knowing you might well wake up dead!
- Lodi/ Credence Clearwater Revival
Just about a year ago, I set out on the road,
Seekin’ my fame and fortune, lookin’ for a pot of gold.
Things got bad, and things got worse, I guess you will know the tune.
Oh, Lord, stuck in Lodi again.
Rode in on the Greyhound, I’ll be walkin’ out if I go.
I was just passin’ through, must be seven months or more.
Ran out of time and money, looks like they took my friends.
Oh, Lord, I’m stuck in Lodi again.
I traveled through Lodi on California Highway 99 quite a few times. Lodi is near Elk Grove which is home to the Gibson Winery (pheasant brand muscatel) and bottling factory (the favorite wino choice). I always took comfort in the memory of this song when I was stranded in some Podunk town.
- Truckin’/ Grateful Dead
Truckin’, like the do-dah man once told me,”You’ve got to play your hand”
Sometimes your cards ain’t worth a dime, if you don’t lay’em down.
Sometimes the light’s all shinin’ on me; Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me, what a long, strange trip its’ been.
The line “What a long, strange trip its’ been.” says it all.
-Ride Me Down Easy/ Waylon Jennings
This highway she’s hotter than nine kinds of hell
The rides are as scarce as the rain
When you’re down to your last shuck with nothing to sell
And too far away from the train.
Nevada Desert Summer heat, No Rides and thoughts of catching a train!
-I’ve Been Everywhere/ Johnny Cash
I was totin’ my pack along the long dusty Winnemucca road
When along came a semi with a high canvas covered load
If your goin' to Winnemucca, Mack with me you can ride
And so I climbed into the cab and then I settled down inside
He asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand
And I said, "Listen! I've traveled every road in this here land!"
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere
Feelings of having been everywhere and memories of Winnemucca!
-He’s Gone/ Grateful Dead
Now he's gone, now he's gone Lord he's gone, he's gone.
Like a steam locomotive, rollin' down the track
He's gone, gone, nothin's gonna bring him back...He's gone.
There usually isn’t any going back once you’re gone.
-Detroit City/ Bobby Bare
I want to go home, I want to go home,
Oh Lord, I want to go home,
Home folks think I'm big in Detroit city,
From the letters that I write they think I'm fine,
But by day I make the cars,
by night I make the bars,
If only they could read between the lines,
Longing to be home and questioning one’s lifestyle.
-Me and Bobbie McGee/ Janis Joplin
Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train
and I'm feeling nearly as faded as my jeans.
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained;
it rode us all the way to New Orleans.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don't mean nothing honey if it ain't free, now.
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
you know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.
What’s Freedom if you don’t have anything?
Feeling good is a transient feeling, (no pun intended.)
-500 Miles Away from Home/ Bobby Bare - 1st and 2nd stanzas
-500 Miles/ Peter Paul and Mary – Chorus and last stanza
I'm five hundred miles away from home
Teardrops fell on mama's note when I read the things she wrote
She said we miss you son we love you come on home
Well I didn't have to pack I had it all right on my back
Now I'm five hundred miles away from home
Away from home away from home cold and tired and all alone
Yes I'm five hundred miles away from home
I know this is the same road I took the day I left home
But it sure looks different now
Well I guess I look different too cause time changes everything
I wonder what they'll say when they see their boy looking this way
Oh I wonder what they'll say when I get home
Can't remember when I ate it's just thumb and walk and wait
And I'm still five hundred miles away from home
Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name
Lord I can’t go a-home this a-way
This a-away, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way,
Lord I can’t go a-home this a-way.
If you miss the train I’m on you will know that I am gone
you can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles.
Similar sentiments to Detroit City and Bobby McGee, life seems can be an eternity when you are a long way from nowhere’sville.
Is Anybody Going to San Antone/ Charley Pride
Rain dripping off the brim of my hat
it sure is cold today and here I am 'a walking down sixty-six
Wish she hadn't done me that way
Sleeping under a table at a road side park
A man could wake up dead
Is anybody goin’ to San Antone
Or Phoenix Arizona
Anyplace is alright as long as I
Can forget I've ever known her.
Kind of like, “I’ve Been Everywhere”, except I’ve slept everywhere, under bridges, city parks, hostels, stranger’s houses, in culverts and by the side of the road, in old cars, under road signs and in haystacks. “Anyplace is alright…”
Then there are the offers that one turns down knowing you might well wake up dead!
